what a day it has been. firstly, in the morning was our pw second dry run with ms ng. it was quite smooth-sailing, besides the fact that there were some internal quarrelings amongst our group. but i have to say, it has been gd. or maybe at least, the comments by ms ng were quite okay. ha. not much improvements in my presentation, maybe it's just because im too tired today. exhaustion from the previous day carried over.


now comes the lunch part. for some weird reason, i end up going for lunch with kelly and clarice. hahah. oh man, i felt alittle extra la, since i knew clarice and kelly were very gd frens. then me going along with them was well, rather, out of place. haha. but still, it was quite an enjoyable lunch. ate at curry wok anyway. haha. then after that went home to slp.


guess what, i was awoken by my phone alarm first. resetted it and went back to slp. and then i was then awoken by a call! heng da called me up for a rendezvous with him and jiaying. haha. how cool was that? or should i say, how funky was that?? i then rushed down to sch to meet them, and headed for city hall. ended up at suntec city, ate some jap food in a restaurant called just noodles. the name of the restaurant had really no link at all! but, no. the food doesnt matter. the food dint matter cos it really suck. we talked alot, talked about the class dynamics, talked about the ppl. it really set me thinking, and of cos, there are still the certain ppl whom i had sth against. and im really delighted that they shared the same thought as me! flawed character eh?? i guess, our class is really a class which nobody feels like having. i wont say it sucks, but look at it now? who's putting in the effort to bond the class tgt. okay, yea. i applaud the decision to have another class outing. i'll go for it if i have the time, but then, if there are ppl who dun feel like going, we simply cant scold them just because they dun feel like going! i, as a second intaker, do not want the class to be splitted up. likewise, i believe the first intakers share the same sentiments. but hey. dun accuse us of trying to split the class up please. we have absolutely no intentions to do that.


okay, enough of those. so we three happily hop on and headed for the esplanade!


backtracking a little, i dun think many ppl know how i really feel when walking past the places that i used to roam with someone. it was saddening. but yet, with a new group of friends, it felt different too. we walked past millenia walk, through marina square, into suntec convention centre and then to esplanade. sounds familiar? it's uncannily familiar to me. the path i used to walk with someone.


life goes on still.


we settled our butts at the rooftop, by then it was already dark. the skyline is still as beautiful. the live band set the mood and atmosphere. ahh, memories... me, heng da and jiaying talked once again. relationships and stuffs. it was funny, entertaining, humourous, but yet it reminded me of the many things i used to do in the past. we left at about 10.


im sorry. really. i dun mean to hurt you. everything i do is genuinely sincere, i really hope you understand how i feel.. sigh

{/11:48 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

if you think im such a person. so be it. i dun care. say all u like and all u want. i have always tried to be nice to everyone, if u are nice to me, i will do the same. however, do the otherwise, dun expect me to be a dumb ass and still be nice to you. sorry to tell you, that cant be done. some ppl are just insensitive, but trying to be sensitive. playing the nice guy.


hey but wait. you are not the nice guy. AND, do i look like i care?

{/11:48 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

oh man. i feel real sick. i have difficulty breathing, and i think i know why. drank some stuffs last nite which resulted in such complications. ahh.. okay, i know i can take such illnesses, but the feeling of being sick sucks. i feel severely lethargic. had a 2 hour plus nap just now, so i feel much much better now.


i just hope i recover soon! and hope ppl around me who are sick to recover soon too..

{/8:03 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

i had only 1 hour of slp, and i felt super lethargic. but yea, it's only once in a while, so it's worth it! i spent most of the time playing mahjong, chatting online with heng da who was also in jing tat's house, and just slacking around. not to forget, me laughing my ass off with jiaying over the stuffs we see on the net. wth. i felt damn freaking high la, was practically laughing like a mad dog. hahahaha.


well. actually, i shdnt say that life's unpredictable. cos there are many things that i have predicted correctly too. yup. what a day.

{/12:13 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

it's 5am and im blogging! jiaying is also awake, alfred just woke up. and i found the sight of many people slping in a room amusing. hahhah.. ppl curling up like worms! and the even more amusing thing is that many of them preferred to slp on the floor to the bed!! hahah.


but hmmm.. im still thinking of stuffs. i was wondering what i should do when u know someone detests u so much. should i detest the person too? or should i just accept my fate and get on with life.


for now, i think i still regret the spur of the moment where i blurted out many expletives. i'll see what i'll do in the next few days.


i just want to say that i dun mean to be irritating. if u dint realise, my irritant factor has been drastically reduced. but nvm, cos i know you dun care watever i say. everything i say is just crap. but nvm, as long as the others dun find me irritating, it's enough to prove that im not that a person u may think i am.

{/4:53 AM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

you'll have just forced me to do the thing that i will never thought of doing. but hey, i think u've just made me do it. dun worry. if u find it fun to do this, i'll continue playing with u. and i will nv lose.


u know im competitive. and i tell u, i hate losing.

{/1:00 AM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

today's the last day of the pw week! oh man, what a relieve. it's been quite some experience, but the gd thing about it is that we have flexible breaks. AND, we can do what we want during curriculum time! woohoo. today played more daidee than pw, like 9:1 (ratio)?? hahah. damn fun sia.


but hey, there are some moments where i was feeling so gek that i want to break the table. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..


perhaps, i need to cool down. i need sth to relieve myself of things happening around me. movie maybe, kbox?? or maybe just hanging out at town. it's been a very very long time since i last hit town. i have no life ever since.

{/6:25 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

today's the third day of the pw wk, which incidentally coincides with the second last day of pw. wat a tiring day it has been. first, in the morning, i had a lot of trouble trying to stay awake. woke up feeling like i've had a hangover. okay maybe not, i have not experienced a hangover yet, maybe i can try this holiday. hahah. so yar, but u do get wat i mean dun u? i just felt like slping la, slept everywhere. slpt on my bed, slpt on the sofa, slpt on the bus. ahh, damn shagged.


basically, we practiced our speech in the morning. i tried to rmb, but then, i was too tired and too distracted to concentrate. so yea, i did wat i could la. the dry run was okay i think, i thought i could have done much better if not for me feeling a little nervous and trying to maintain eye contact. hahah, the skit was ehhh.. a screw up (maybe just for me).


but why only 3 ppl from our class supported my grp?!? tt's so saddening lor. only xinlin, jiaying and xiuyi came to support us. hahah. aiya, but nvm. at least 3 is better than none. but dun worry, heng da! i will go support u tmr. i always keep to my promises. hahahah =)


anyway, went coro with yaodong to buy prawns. hahahha. holy shit, how did i come out with the prawn shit?? the moment i saw ntuc, i thought of prawns. perhaps, im just in a lame mood. and then i nudged yd to call heng da to ask him where he is, and as expected, he was at kap. so we decided to join in and met him later. oh, and jialing and edwyn were also there. we went kap to collect our booklet tt's all. yup.


holy shit, lunch at kap was friggin lame and funny. edywn, im really going to kill u if start talking abt milking ppl again. u are one helluva a milkman!!!! argh... cant stand it. i laughed until i nearly died. heng da was damn lame too.


but yea, it's been quite a nice lunch. oh and not to forget truth or dare. hahha. now i know more abt mr edwyn chew. but dun worry dude, im gd at keeping secrets although i dunno abt the others. esp.... hehehe.. hahahha.


argh, tired tired tired x infinity

{/4:35 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

shit. not again.


i want to end my life, i cant take anymore of this.


my moods and feelings are killing me.


it hurts. i need someone.

{/7:48 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

argh. another boring day. today just sorta prepared my speech and lagged in sch the whole day. oh yar, had the little skit. im the guy who hates jogging, while clarice is the marathon runner, self-proclaimed chio bu, yupei and peiying are the trees, swaying their arms around, hmm, like trees, and finally, yaodong is the narrator. quite funny la.


but sighh.


and there are still things which i want to say but dun feel like. i hope my holidays will be better.


oh yar, im jealous of heng da! =s

{/4:59 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

holy crap, i cant imagine myself doing pw continuously for the next 4 days. one day is really enough. had some tech run today, spent like 15 mins trying to log into the computer, and ms ng said our presentation was quite boring. okay, tt i have nth to say, cos i feel the same too. but after some improvements here and there, i can proclaim tt it's better now! hahah, okay la, at least better than the old one. well, i can say tt cos i did the first quarter! im so proud of myself =)


but it's really tiring la, i felt so homesick throughout the day. i wish all these could end quickly, cos im dying. pw sucks my soul away.. maybe, just half my soul away. hahah.



i still feel kinda strange. a feeling of deja vu. my heart still beats faster whenever i...... why why??

{/5:07 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

today we had pw! hahah. although i think i shdnt have woke up so early as they all arrived late. argh, i could have slept half an hour more. but basically, we dint do much today, completed our slides, and the speech roughly splitted up.


we even went j8 to have lunch cos we had so much time! clarice was complaining throughout tt she wants to have lunch! hahhaha, tsk tsk, eat so slow yet still want to eat so much.. and after lunch we played monopoly. tt was to relive our childhood, the days where we played monopoly together, okay, maybe not with my pw grp, but with other ppl.


so, today was quite fun! there were laughters and screams. hahah. pw is supposed to be this fun!


yea, i need time too. though sometimes i really cant help feeling like that. i wish i dun have to go sch, so i can reflect upon it myself, and not think of u periodically. it's tough, unfair as some may say. but i guess, it's a game where there'll always be a loser. i wont be the sore loser, i'll just try to accept my loss.

{/6:07 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

sighh.. im still confused. well, i just found this song meaningful, maybe just to me. but it's nice nevertheless.




Just Want You To Know
Backstreet Boys


Lookin' at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do
Could protect me from you that night


Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me


I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
I Just want you to know


All the doors are closing, I try to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day
The day you slipped away


And I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go (oh)
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say (yeah)
I would do it all again
I Just want you to know


That since I lost you
I lost myself (oh)
No I can't fake it
There's no one else


I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say (I have to say, I)
I would do it all again (do it all again)


I Just want you to know ('cause I can't fight it)
That I've been fighting to let you go (oh)
Some days I make it through (and then there's)
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe (yeah)
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say (but still I have to say)
No, I would do it all again
I Just want you to know

{/12:52 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

Had halo (horror after lights out) today. but before tt was the OP workshop, and it was expectedly boring. halo was more of, a mixture. felt kinda sian diaoed at the start, but things got better. it was fun, the dance party got higher at the later part of the night. while the haunted house wasnt really tt scary. hahah.


i thought i've gotten over it, somehow. im still struggling mentally. i know i cant get over it yet, although i have told many ppl i've gotten over it. but whenever i see her, my feelings change again. it's hard, but im still trying.


i've looked at a few of my past entries. they've been full of ups and downs. and also, a few sweet entries in between. but yea, life can be unfair at times. this time life has been unfair to me..


many things i want to say, but it's just inappropriate. sorry.. i'll try harder....

{/11:14 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

today has been a really gd day for me. things have been going well, and one paper has been given back today. just like how it was with the common tests, physics was the first to be returned. ahhhhhhhh.. oh yeaaaa.......... i've got an E!!!!! holy shit. i felt like i've given a new lease of life. i was overjoyed, i wanted to hug everyone. in the end, i made do with hugging heng da. the implication of getting an E means i can be rightfully promoted!! now it's just 2 more o8s, which shdnt be of a problem. i really want to thank everyone who has been with me during this period of time, tolerating my whinings, my pessimisms, and my sorrows =)


another thing which has been bugging me for many many days was my r/p. well, im happy to say that it's officially over! im happy for the both of us. after being depressed for such a long time, we have finally overcame all odds. it was a hard decision by her, but i know, it cant be forced. and i've grown up after all these. there are many things in life which we really want to achieve, but sometimes, they are just beyond our own grasps. instead of wallowing over the loss of sth, why not make the best out of it?? i've learnt to be more optimisticc, i've learnt new stuffs about handling relationships. i've learnt so many things throught this 4 months. i really want to thank Miss Quek Jia Ling for everything she has done for me. i really appreaciate it. it may be the end, but i may still be a new beginning. dun be mistaken. a new beginning as in, making a new-found friend. a friend whom u can really trust and rely on to do something. a friend who is willing to support you in times of need, a friend who goes the distance to do something that touches your heart.


im proud of myself for being able to sort my thoughts out.


the 4 mths have been very memorable.


but i guess things have to turn out this way. relationships do not last forever, but somehow, friendships do..... =)

{/10:06 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

can u imagine doing twice a wk?! holy. tt's mad. but my grp did just tt. today was extremely tiring. i felt like slping the whole day until evening, where i got jolted back into reality. hahha. i was rather useless till i finally woke up from my dream.


anyway, today was boring, but there were, again, moments of fun and laughters. not to forget the bickerings between yd and yp. hahah. man. too bad u all cant see the powerpoint presentation tt yupei had wonderfully created!


amidst all the 'fun', i still feel very tired..

{/9:07 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

So, today was NJ's open day. the thought of it makes me reminisce the open day last year. seriously, i thought NJ was hip and happening, but ehh.. i was quite wrong. this year's one was quite happening too, just that the crowd seemed to have been reduced. it brought me to think that, oh, a year has just passed. how fast time travels. sighhh.


anyway, it was rather boring, though there were moments of fun. ushers from our class are jialing, heng da, kelly, elaine, and of cos, how can they ever leave me out from the shit work we did today?!?! holy shit, changing the trashbags of the dustbins, pumping water into the big blue container from the toilet, where i've got my pants wet, tearing open packet drinks and dumping them into the big blue container. but but, it was still rather fun, managed to create lots of splashes when throwing the drinks into the big blue container! hahahah.. it's fun seeing ppl with their pants or skirts wet. hahahah. man, i think im evil! =p oops. not to forget the candy flosses! unlimited flow of candy floss! i had a fair share of 4 of them i think. but it's pathetic, the candy floss ushers were stingy with the floss mass. mine were either long or thin. i dun wanna eat myself!


it's a very very tiring day. my arms ache, and i've got an abrasion on my thumb. but, i dunno, i felt it was kinda refreshing to be doing shit work again, makes me recall my council days again where i had to do all these shit work. oh but hey! im not a councillor anymore. so yar, what's the point of doing all these? hmmm, nvm. it's been quite a gd day for me although i ended up feeling extremely shagged.


the past few days have been full of ups and downs... but... no, i shall not say anything.

{/8:21 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

it's been a very happy 4 months that i had in my life. the sweet moments, the happy moments, and maybe sometimes, the sad moments. but no, all i can rmb now are the times we spent together, walking together happily down the streets of town, walking along the beach of sentosa, spending time together at the esplanade, mugging together after school..... it's been a wonderful journey, a journey that i'll nv forget.


i started to like you long time ago, i just find you the one tt i could connect with. and i wasn't wrong. i nv ever regretted being with you, you had made me go through a lot. but it's all worth it.


i wish i could spend more time with you, but all good things have to come to an end. im heartbroken, yes. but it's good enough that we remain as very gd frens. i'll still have you when im down, and when u're down, dun forget that i'll still be there for you =)


jialing, deep down inside my heart, you are still my darling.. i know it's not appropriate to say it, but still. i miss you.. i hope to at least hug u for one last time...

{/8:29 AM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

im fine already.. i just want to thank si hui for cheering me up. yup. tt's all

{/7:36 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

To my dearest jialing:


today has been a really bad day for me. my mood dint change from the night before, where u left me with an abrupt message. i was just trying to be more concerned that's all. so today was the supposedly class outing to sentosa. i was stunned by the msg u sent me in the morning. many a time, u may joke with ur messages, but this time i dun think u were joking. u meant what u said: im worse than a freaking girl, and to add oil to the fire, u said sth which i really dun want to say here. but, i wont mind. i know u were pissed, and still pissed. i was really just trying to show a little bit of concerned by waiting for you at the interchange. i have no intentions at all to irritate or disturb you. all i want to do was to accompany you by your side, and cheer u up if i can. sighh. it's not that i do not want to give u times where u can be alone to think about other stuffs, but as your boyfriend, i think i have a little bit of a right to try to cheer you up right?


i left u alone at sentosa today. i really have no idea wat's going through your mind. but i felt very depressed. im not gd at concealing my feelings, so i do show it out, i show it out by keeping very quiet. i do that because i want ppl to show a little bit of concern. apparently, i received none. it's really really saddening that at this stage of my life, i still do not have friends that show true concerns. im just an utterly pathetic person, antisocial and with a fucking attitude problem. i've lost many many friends as a result of spending time with you. but i really do not care abt it.


i find it worthwhile that u appeared in my life, i find you the one person in my life that gives me the motivation i desperately need now. morever, u are always there for me when i need your moral support. however, there are the sad times too, where both of us simply ignored each other, starting cold wars, etc etc. i do not care abt those stuffs though, as long as we are fine again after a while. i treasure every moment when im with you, your smile, your voice, your concerns, brightens up my day. i dun think i can continue life without you. that explains my sadness when u told me it's impossible to continue on if im retained. i was heartbroken as a matter of fact. nth means more than you, ,besides my results. i can sacrifice my everything for you, i can do watever i can to make you happy, and i'll try everything i can to make this relationship last. but if you do not, tell me. the sooner the better.


i just hope you can tell me how u really feel. i wanted to break down in the train just now, but i dint want to. i was really really depressed.


i love you darling. even if you hate me, or u find me a nuisance, i'll continue to love you. the day where i'll stop loving you is the day where u decide tt the relationship shd end. but for now, you are still the most important person in my life.


msg me or call me k? i miss you..





Backstreet Boys - Shape of My Heart

Hmm, yeah, yeah
Baby, please try to forgive me
Stay here, don't put out the glow
Hole me now, don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man that I've become

:Chorus:
Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Send in this beautiful loneliness that's tragical
So help me I can't win this war, oh no
Touch me now don't bother if every second it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man I've become

:Chorus:

I'm here with my confession
Got nothing to hide no more
I don't know where to start
But to show you the shape of my heart...

I'm lookin' back on the things I've done
I never wanna play the same old part
I'll keep you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

{/6:10 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

i have been waiting for 4 days! 4 days! oh man, since the end of the promos to go out! and i finally had my wish fulfilled yesterday! =)okayy, perhaps i was panicking after sch yesterday, deciding wat to do, as i could only meet jialing for dinner. in the end, i decided that going home was the better idea. well, time flies when im at home, especially when i was gaming.. hahha.. so yea, had a erm.. quite a pathetic dinner at burger king, cine. caught the 615pm movie for corpse bride. since i wanted to watch the movie, and jialing had already caught it, i decided to just treat her so tt at least i dun watch it alone =s but yar, okay la. the show was not bad! the characters just look so interesting, as in, i thought about the tedious work that the the animators had to put in. if i were the animator, i would have just squash the puppets and use them as play dough instead. hmm, okay, im crapping.


i realise my language is failing me now. argh. this sux, broken english and incoherent expressions of ideas. dammit!


oh crap, what was tt for? that was totally unnecessary. and oh, we spent quite sometime at the esplanade rooftop too. ahhh, stargazing.. well, there werent any stars? or were there? i dint really notice although we were apparently stargazing, or shd i say, skyline gazing. man, singapore looks just so gorgeous at night. how i wish i could eat singapore up. in the end, we both reached home at 11 plus. dead beat by the time we laid on our beds. that explain the lethargic bodies which we dragged to sch today. hahahah..


and guess what? today's our 4th month anniversary! yay. 4th month and counting.. i really really hope we can still continue strong, with ties that bind against all the odds. bind us through the entire jc journey. how i wish, how i wish... anyway. today, we basically just had meal at pastamania, PS. filled our stomachs, and then headed for the mrt. well, the rest of the story, yup, wouldnt interest anyone for sure.. hahahha.. but it was enjoyable day! =)


tmr's sentosa day! oh man, im really looking forward to going there again. this time with the class.. it's been a very very long time since there was a class outing. but of cos, we had to forgo sch tmmr for sentosa. i wished everyone could go, every single one.. yup, im sure it would be fun! =)

{/8:32 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.

the past few days have been hell. i've stayed up late, i've woke up early before the crack of dawn to study. i've put in effort, i've put in my heart and soul (okay, tt was crap). but yea, tt's just to emphasize the fact that i studied and worked hard for the promos. i expected promos to be better than my cts, sighh.. maybe i was wrong. these have been one of my lowest points of my life, i dread the promos, i dread the papers staring at me, and me staring back at them. i dread the fact that i panic at the most crucial moments. i dread the skipping of questions. i dread the blank papers tt i submit. damn. im so utterly fucking screwed.


im just hoping for a miracle. i've nv felt so hopeless. i dunno wat am i to do if i am retained. perhaps i had similar feelings when i had to take re-exams at the end of sec 3, but this was much much worse. i DO NOT want to be retained. nobody knows how i am feeling now. the feeling is so real, almost tangible. the only thing holding me back from touching the tangible is my hope. my hope for the unseemingly possibles. yet, a part of me says tt i still have a chance. i dunno. my life is just so messed up.


if only i could turn back time. if only i had worked harder for my prelims in sec 4, i would have ended up in a better jc in 1st 3 mths. i would not have slacked that much. i wouldn't be suffering now.


sighh.. i hope my days ahead would be better.

{/11:38 PM}

Signed by Yours Truly.